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2020: The Year of Being Lost & Found

Updated: Nov 24, 2021

The year 2020 will go down in history by the general public as the year of many things - -You know- the pandemic, lockdown, the great shit show, etc. For me, it was the year of being lost and found...

For me, yes there was plenty of pain and even numbness. Slowly the numbness started to recede then there was uncertainty, sadness, grief, loneliness, resentment and even anger. I sat with these shadows, my outlook beginning to change. I went from victim mode, feeling like everything was happening to me to being the observer. Mostly observing what has happening in my inner landscape, noticing the thoughts, feeling the feelings, the uncomfortableness...especially the uncomfortableness.

Not leaving my own side, I sat with the pain of all these emotions. What began to happen was excitement in feeling all the feels! I was so excited to finally feel anger, grief, happiness and alive!!!! Nature was my refuge. Running in the park or walking in the woods I could do my best thinking. It hit me one day, that I was only existing for years this way because that was what I needed to do to feel safe. Now I know that I've got me for better or for worse.

As my perspective started to change, the beliefs I had about myself started to become lies. The stories about not being enough became fables. Lines were being drawn in the sand now. Boundaries built and the gift of discernment finally bestowed onto me. I no longer was letting my mind run the show. My body began to step forward letting me know who was in charge now. My body more strong and fluid, she wanted to dance and be seen. My womb began to wake up and she wanted to know pleasure. My heart let herself be vulnerable, she wanted to love and be loved. My voice wanted to sing and be heard.

A simple "How are you?" became a trick question. Why was this the hardest and most dreaded question to answer? Why does it feel shameful to say I had the most awesome sex last night? Or that your heart has been broken into a million pieces... That you spent 12 hours in your living room and never got bored... That you were missing your children so hard during lockdown...

Despite the uncomfortableness, I learned to lean into these feelings. There was satisfaction of coming home to myself. I can love deeply. I can love myself deeply. This is the real gift!

I had been that little bird in the cage that never dared to fly out the open door. I have only just begun. I will keep flying and finding myself over and over...

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